Hell stop at nothing to avoid them! There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data. #99 What is the role of stock analysts? Most of these cute one liners are from the iconic comedians and others are from random people. Rice is great when youre hungry and you want 2,000 of something. Mitch Hedberg, If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, youre just late. Joel Dommett, My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Along with food and animal witticisms, we've rounded up silly puns about love, coffee, math and science, including this smart (or seriously stupid, depending on how you look at it) quip: "A chemist walked into a couch store and ended up buying a photon" and "Why didnt the tea go up the hill? Nov. 3, 2022, 10:16 AM PDT / Updated Dec. 13, 2022, 10:57 AM PST By Caithlin Pena and Amanda Garrity There's no doubt that Christmas is the most pun-derful time of the year. Two fish are in a tank. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. Its like, See if you can blow this out. Learn to spell AutoCorrect isnt always write. I want to joke about a girl who only eats plants. Corny Pirate Jokes and Pirate Puns | Reader's Digest 82.50 % / 348 votes. What do they call the boss at Old McDonalds farm? 24. Why did the belt go to jail? No prob-llama. Manufacturers claim its due to climb change. He picks up the phone and starts waving his hands around in the air, pretending to be deep in conversation about figures. And the man replies, "Oh, something's wrong everything you sell sucks.". Steals & Deals: Up to 80% off jewelry, a bestselling multi-balm and more starting at $19. Its just not stroganoff. #72 I knew someone who used to work in a deli, they got fired because they couldnt cut the mustard. Whats the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas? What is the most detail-oriented ocean? Nothing, it just let out a little whine. I want to be a doctor, but I don't have enough patience. 35. Now we have no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs. See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. #82 One day, a customer placed a huge order for numerous goods but suddenly the company realized they hadnt paid for the previous order. Cleaning Jokes One-liners It is really hard to keep our houses clean! Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? Wellington boots? Billy Connolly, I went to Waterstones and asked the woman for a book about turtles. What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? 133 Hilarious Monday Jokes to Brighten the Whole Week Why was six nervous? 64. #63 My resume? 18. There should be confetti in tires, so its still an okay day when there is a blow-out. Why did the dog go to the bank? 1. A list of things I hope future employers never ask me to do. In the words of famous pianist and conductor Victor Borge, "Laughter is the closest distance between two people.". Sunday. Boss told me that as a security guard, its my job to watch the office. All I did was take a day off. The first five days after the weekend are the hardest. Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Ask for more Friday nights instead. 3. It held up a pair of pants. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. A lawyer told a judge, My client is trapped inside a penny. The judge said, What? The lawyer said, Hes in a cent.. 62. #19How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb? When I was a baby he said, Is this a joke? Ken Dodd, I went down the local supermarket. Q: What do. De-Monday, just like the rest of us. Because it was soda pressing. Watch: Baby can't stop laughing as dad preps asparagus, Valentine's Day puns that are simply the zest, St. Patrick's Day puns that totally sham-rock, Frightfully funny Halloween puns guaranteed to lift everyone's spirits, Thanksgiving puns that'll have your crew pie-ning for more. Because seven eight nine. 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Seeing this, the barber next door decided to erect their new sign we fix $3 haircuts. 2. When I was at the gym yesterday, everyone kept asking me why I was always sitting still on the stationary bike. A peony for your thoughts. Ill meet you at the corner!. His management philosophy is a fantastic approach that I have encouraged my team to carry forward., Martine Rothblatt, Chairman & CEO, United Therapeutics, It was evident, almost from the first word you spoke, that you would be one of the most memorable parts of the two days. Whats pink and fluffy? 23. I get plenty of exercise at work: Jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines. 78. I used to be a baker, but I couldnt make enough dough. What do you call stealing ideas from many? So I bought 100 copies ofGoldfinger. Nick Hall, My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. 41. 85. What do you call a fake noodle? You know what can really ruin a Friday? Bring your A-game with humor for all - it's the best gift to give your friends and family (next to tacos anyway). Pink fluff. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? Because he used up all his cache. I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people. 92. It doesn't matter whether they're an eye doctor or a surgeon. Then the other eyelid. Ken Dodd, I like rice. What do you call an alligator in a vest? They're not tall enough to be pilots. Escalators don't break down they just turn into stairs. When I stand around and do nothing, Im lazy. 32. Remembering its only Thursday. The content was a welcome and valuable divergence from typical educational sessions. Can I just call you "Google"? 31. Prevention! What do you call a joke that isnt funny? I'm not sure, but, personally, I don't give a fox. Im still employed. 11. Thats like one Monday! I wrote a song about burritos. How does NASA organize a party? 14. Its hard being remotely funny working from home. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, Can you float alone? Obviously, the banker replied, but this is a heck of a time to talk business.. But of course there are times when a well-placed joke can add a little spice to the workday. Why did the skeleton fail all his Monday tests? His heart wasnt in it. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. ' Tommy Cooper, If you dont know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself. Ian Smith, I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning that can keep me awake for days. Billy Connolly, I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward, Red sky at night: shepherds delight. 9. She whispered, Theyre right behind you!, What did one hat say to the other hat? Knock, knock. What starts with a W and ends with a T. It does, I swear! The clock had hands. To who? An Instagram. 84. Learning that it was only a Thursday. Mondays make me sad, but 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day. #67 An archeologists career lies in ruins. Why shouldn't you argue with a dinosaur? It was grounds for divorce. #40 I really wanted my bakery business to be a successI just wasnt making enough dough. #27 When you cant say lets just forget the whole thing, you know crisis level has been reached. 88. Related Topics. 57. Whats the opposite of artificial intelligence? A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. #51 I bought this energy-saving light bulb in your shop yesterday and it doesnt work. 7. Do you know a funny one liner? An abdominal snowman! Today I saved $236.17 by not going to Target for toothpaste. Dec 03 2020. Watch: Baby can't stop laughing. A Fox. The politician shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. Why shouldn't you trust stairs? #6 We need somebody for this role who is responsible., Not a problem, sir. If girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with only one leg work? 13. Great, but where do the copies come out?. (& Other Questions! You can ask them questions to understand them better. Lots. Looking for jokes that wont offend anyone and are safe for work? 44. 26. I thought, thats Abba-riginal. Tim Vine, I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning, Are we then yet? Paul F. Taylor, Two monkeys were getting into the bath. 175 Bad JokesBest Really Bad Jokes (2023) - Parade Your debt will stay with you if you can't budge it. Dog Puns. -Groucho Marx. Lettuce celebrate! 97. 4. #43 I had a nightmare of a day, the computers went down and everything had to be done manually. Michael Kerr is a Canadian Hall of Fame business speaker, very funny motivational speaker, and business trainer. #1 My boss asked me to put a joke on the first slide of the presentationapparently a picture of my pay slip wasnt what he was looking for. I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. A tractor. What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account? 42. When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? 89. 105. Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham. #87 I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people but unfortunately not of them work! If a child refuses to take a nap, does that mean they are resisting arrest? #100 Is our money all gone? No, dont panicits just with somebody else at the moment. Thanks a lot. Making mirrors is a job I can really see myself doing. Two snowmen are standing in a field. What do you call two guys hanging on a window? Captain in the morning. Why dont scientists trust atoms? Good jokes for work are even handier in the era of Zoom, where social awkwardness abounds, and a corny joke can really take the edge off. That way, when you do criticize them, youre a mile away and have their shoes. ", What did the horse say after tripping in a pothole? "Do these genes make me look fat?" 3. His messages on how to build resiliency were delivered in an engaging way that really hit home!, Brier Albano, Associate Registrar, Medicine Hat College, With his high energy and animated presentation of over 90 minutes, he had everyones full attention!, Jolaine Arsenault, Retail Market Analysis and Liaison Specialist, Co-op Atlantic, Just wanted to say WOW! that was awesome! Every daisy is better because of you. I said No, not particularly.. Why do melons have weddings? An impasta. 328 Work One Liners - The funniest work jokes - OneLineFun.com Dad Jokes. Can you make a cup of tea?. Report. Thank-you for your invigorating and energizing keynote presentation., Tanya Dusyk, Territory Manager, Shell Canada, Your dynamic and interactive presentation was the highlight of our conference. Send you one-liners to mike@mikekerr.com. An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol place, drinking spot, place for beer, beer now. Well see about that. Adam Hills, Ive written a letter to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen. Two men are on opposite sides of the river. Why did the can crusher quit his job? 48. IE 11 is not supported. #57 My job is incredibly secure, nobody wants it! They dont have the guts! My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. He was the genius. Sid Caesar, I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me until I fell into a printing press. Milton Jones, Why on earth do people say things like my eyes arent what they used to be. So what did they used to be? #58 Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing its actually Tuesday. Casual Friday. The man who had fallen into an upholstery factory is now said to be fully recovered. #62 My last boss said I have a preoccupation with vengeancewell see about that. Why do I drink coffee? Last Updated on 11 August 2022 Are you having a boring, monotonous day at work? They're sketchy. 98. I went on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday last weekend. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. Every morning I announce that Im going running, but then I dont. Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe, but if you remove it, you get. A: He bought it on sail. 75 short jokes for kids and adults that are actually funny - TODAY When my boss stands around and does nothing, he gets paid for it! Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. Psstthese fish puns will really split your gills! A little plaque. Having an arsenal of funny work-appropriate jokes at your disposal can be handy for lifting the mood and boosting morale when the stress of work (and everything else in life) gets the better of us. You have made a huge, positive impact in just 90 minutes!, Paola Zurro, Senior Director, Real Property Branch, Michael exceeded our expectations in every aspect. Mini-soda. What did the supervisor say to the calendar? #80 Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Why are construction workers great at parties? Food-naming I love my job. He got 12 months! Bravely killed a bug at home. All rights reserved. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia. They dont go to work. Improve your ability to keep the conversation going. #94 If somebody asks you if you want to break into the jewelry business, think carefully about what theyre actually offering. Nobel who? I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd, You know youre getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. Smoking will kill you. However, we spotted a few of these on sites like LaffGaff, BestLifeOnline, RD, and CultureAmp, which we cant recommend strongly enough. One word: Comedy! Hes not dead, just very condescending. Jack Whitehall, Im so ugly, my father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet. Rodney Dangerfield, I said to the gym instructor: Can you teach me to do the splits? He said: How flexible are you? I said: I cant make Tuesdays. Tim Vine, I like the Pope. When you yeast expect it. 9. The photon replies, No, Im traveling light.. Someone else to blame. One liner tags: attitude, rude, sarcastic, work. Which day do potatoes fear the most? 65. Take away its chair. Hilarious Doctor Jokes Ive started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. Mind your business. Why couldn't the bike stand up? 80+ short Friday jokes, puns and one-liners to welcome the weekend Not all math puns are terrible. He needed to recharge his batteries. One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois cat sank. Snow who? Not all of it. Toshihiro Kawabata. Ears? If youre looking for a fewjokesto use at a family get-together that wont offend any of your more sensitive relatives, youve come to the right place. Because he was outstanding in his field! What do you call a can opener that doesnt work? Fruit flies like a banana. It must be hard to walk with a pulled mussel. I could talk about classic card games all day. Aatif Nawaz, My Dad told me to invest my money in bonds. Daily Life Jokes. In the joke world hierarchy, one-liners are a gem: they're easy to remember, take no time to tell, and if crafted just right pack a mightier punch than a joke with a longer set up.
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